[ Hallucinogenic ]

08 March 2007 @ 08:00 pm

Wow, I haven't been here in awhile!

Well a lot has happened and not really the way I've wanted it to.
My iPod has died. Literally died. Blame the people that I let borrow it.
Yes, I DO hate you all for it.

That is one of the reasons I've been angsty lately.
I know, it's a bad reason but music means everything to me.
Almost more than the friendships I have.

Spring break next week!
Hopefully things'll get better when Shelly's here.
LAWL, I'LL OWE YOU FOR THE FAVOUR.
Or flavour?
Oh, bad pun.

Toxicity;;: cranky

Grumpy/Angsty

Beat;;: honest mistake - the bravery

Leave me your heart

11 February 2007 @ 06:36 pm

You Ready?

What to write, what to write.

Valentine's Day in three days.
Huzzah?
I think not.

My lack of kindness could be do to stress.
Or maybe because I just flat out don't care about you?
Are some of you getting the hint now?
Apparently not.

And to the person who phones every week-end and wakes me up...
FUCK YOU.
'Cause I don't really sleep on the week-days, that's bad enough.
Then you phone and deprive me of a proper sleep on the one day that I can actually get it?
Thanks, thanks a lot.

I know something that you don't.
Hush-hush.

There is something that I failed to mention to a lot of people.
I have actually been diagnosed with depression.
Clincal, I think.
Hard for me to remember.
My parents were in denial of it and my mom abused me as a result.
Trusting you with the truth is hard enough.
Trusting you with my past?
Make it right.

Toxicity;;:

Stressed/Anxious

Beat;;: Pain - Three Days Grace

Leave me your heart

02 February 2007 @ 02:58 pm

Promised by your Face.

I shouldn't be in such a good mood right now.
But I am.
Probably 'cause I'm going to see The Messengers with Brittany?
I think so.
So I owe her a lot.

Uhm...
I was excited for school and now I'm not.
Surprise?

I'm such a mess lately.
It's not like I like to fall to pieces, contraire to popular belief.
So I'm going to pick myself up again, if only to be knocked back down.
Guess you could say I'm giving it another shot.

Why do I scare you people?
Is it my constant mood swings?
'Cause I know a few of you are afraid of me...
And it kinda hurts to know that.

I haven't fully decided yet but I might stop writing all together.
I have my reasons, they're lined up nicely.
But then I'll be left with absolutely nothing.
So I don't know if it would be wise.

Over the years, my writing has actually kept me alive.
It's the only way I can communicate with some people now.
Sometimes it's the only way I can remember things.
And sometimes it's even a way to give the truth, even if you have to dig for it.

Cloud;;: I'm better now...<3

Toxicity;;: bouncy

Excited/Apologetic

Beat;;: Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park

Leave me your heart

02 February 2007 @ 03:39 am

I've become so numb.

What do you want me to write?

I started slapping myself with a rubber band to try to stop the suicidal and self-mutilation thoughts.
Now I'm addicted to this pain.
I haven't stopped for three hours straight and I love it.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

My head's spinning and I think I'm gonna vomit again.
My body is literally giving out.
When will I finally just die?
The stress, the events, the memories, the words...
They're literally KILLING ME.

So for all of those who thought I was kidding whenever I said I would commit suicide,
I'm gonna prove you wrong.
On Valentine's Day.
Unless I'm blessed with a miracle.
I LOL'd.

So like...yeah.
You can all go fuck yourself because the fuck machine is out of order.
(=
Then hopefully you die.
kthxxxx.

Cloud;;: HELL, FUCKERS.

Toxicity;;: crappy

Shitty/Tired

Beat;;: I'm Not Okay - MCR

Leave me your heart

27 January 2007 @ 07:05 pm

I demand an explanation for this faggotry.

I wanna bitch about Valentine's Day but I'll just wait until it gets closer.

Uhm, lemme see. I was 'grounded' this past week but I still did whatever the hell wanted. How lame.
I improved my marks so now I'll pass with atleast high Bs.
I've had nosy son of a bitches question the way I handle things.
I figured out my ears were still pierced even though I haven't worn earings in atleast a year so I bought new ones today.
I've been fooling around with my webcam and making signs for people.
I was yelled at by my dad which is amazing because he like never yells.
I ran away from home for a few hours and cried at the little park by my house.
I listened to I Want Candy by Aaron Carter and fell in love with it again. <3
And...
I pratically aced a Science test. BEAT THAT, BITCHES.
Now you can't tell me I'm not school smart. Kthx.

Cloud;;: Hooome.

Toxicity;;: blah

blah

Beat;;: I want candy - Aaron Carter

Leave me your heart

25 January 2007 @ 08:23 pm

Crimson Regret & Betrayal.

'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.'

You can keep ignoring me, it'll just keep hurting me.
You can only acknowledge me when it benefits you, I'll just continue to be pissed off.
You can pretend to care, I just won't share information with you.

I can keep loving you and it can keep killing me.
I can keep blaming you and this guilt will never cease.
I can keep hoping and crawling back for more.

Or....

I can leave you and you won't even care.
I'm considering this option more and more as time drags on. Your broken heart reason can only take you so far. We're in the same boat yet I atleast do everything in my power to make you happy; the least you can do is realize that.
I, secretly, hate you. LOATHE you.
And I wish I was strong enough to walk away...

Cloud;;: FUCK YOU.

Toxicity;;: bitchy

Bitchy/Upset

Beat;;: Higher Than Hope - Nightwish

Leave me your heart

24 January 2007 @ 08:45 pm

You're A Star.

Where does my heart lie?
I don't know anymore.

So Brittany. She's like..the only true friend I have now.
A series of FORTUNATE events has changed my view about her.
I don't care what everyone else thinks/says about her.
She's a great person.

She made me happier than I've been in a long time.
The girl actually listened to what I had to say, can you believe that?
Most people pretend to and give one word answers. I had better luck talking to a rock than most of you people.
But she was actually helpful and considerate.
MUCHLUFF! <33
I actually skipped down the street I was so happy. Hush-hush.

So I told my mom I'm going to the library tomorrow to study. Am I? No. I'm gonna go hang out with Brittany instead. I love my ability to lie effectively.
-Huggles it..somehow-

Valentine's Day is gonna be a bitch. Or maybe it won't? I've been thinking about what to do on that day for someone...and I pray it'll be the day that I'm able to do what I want without holding back.
Because this certain someone has hurt me a lot lately. Emotionally, anyway. Physically too but physical pain is fine by me.

So yeah, there's my life currently in a nutshell for all those that care.

Cloud;;: WEEEE~

Toxicity;;: happy

Happy/Worried

Beat;;: Can't Take It - All-American Rejects

Leave me your heart

16 January 2007 @ 10:56 pm

My demise or saviour?

Yes, I am a horrible person. So I might have let you slip away from me, sure. Do I feel guilty? Not one bit.
To tell you the truth, I love myself. From my bitchyness to my shyness, I love it all. You never brought out anything amazing in me. Well, okay, another lie on my death bed.

You brought out the side that people love me for. My ability to remain patient through anything and my ability to give a damn. Or pretend to, anyway. These gifts, these burdans, you've helped me find them. A thanks is in order. But don't count your blessings yet, you also hurt me. Betrayed me. I felt like you used me.

In the wake of /your/ mistake I managed to find my grace. Not in the form of realization or medicine, but in the form of a person. Sometimes even angels need angels.

Brittany is getting on my last fucking nerve like you don't even know. Stress balls aren't going to help me this time. Tomorrow, I fear, if she brings up the Donny situation, I'll snap. I really will snap. The Kat. Snapping. Can you believe it? This girl is trouble wrapped in lace.

So much has happened but I won't bother to type it all up. Why would I? I doubt anyone still reads this anymore. The centre of attraction involving me deals with my prose, not my blogs/journals anymore. That does not mean I will abandon them, though. Never.

Oh yeah, my dad's gone for six more weeks. Speaking of which,
I skipped today. For the first time. Well, technically. It felt awesome. I think I'll do it again next Tuesday, too. The only problem is is that I didn't think my dad would find out. Wrong. He'll know I was absent during Science and question me about it. Have I dug my own grave? Will even my lying skills be enough to save my skin? Damn, I hope so. In any case, I suspect I'll have one class next semester that I can skip, too. I plan on doing it more often because really, school is one of the last things on my priority list now.
Amazing. I never would have even thought of skipping this time last year. I thought it was a sinned and that only losers, potheads, and whores do it. Apparently freaks do it, too.

kthxbai. <3

Cloud;;: Sleeeeepppp

Toxicity;;: tired

Tired/Happy

Beat;;: SICK Boy - Kill Hannah

5 hearts | Leave me your heart

11 January 2007 @ 09:15 pm

Contradictory.

Exhaustion is not enough to describe how badly my body needs sleep. Of course, my brain does not want to sleep. Go figure.

My left arm, where I got my Tetnus shot, still hurts like a bitch. Why? I don't know, just does. Sucks to be me, I know. LOLZ.

But I'm happy/in a good mood. You should be happy about that, right? With my good moods comes my bitchy nature, however. Oh well. I need to flip out on someone or grab my dad's stress ball.

Cloud;;: Home...?

Toxicity;;:

Exhausted/Happy

Beat;;: Bones - The Killers

Leave me your heart

05 January 2007 @ 10:15 pm

(no subject)

Welcome to the soul exchange.
Where I die without another word so I won't have to face another day again.

Toxicity;;: angry

Angry/Upset

Beat;;: Gaara's voice in my head...

Leave me your heart

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